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Advice Ask Linda

My Ex Won’t Let Me See or Even TALK to My Kid!

ASK LINDA, PSYCHOTHERAPIST & CHOICE MOM:

My ex-partner and I share joint custody of our 12-year-old son, but now she’s stopping me from having any contact with him. Every time we agree on a visit, she doesn’t show up. And now she’s no longer returning my phone calls. I’ve taken to dropping by her house – we live only two blocks apart – but she never answers the door. I bought my son a cell phone so we could communicate despite her interference, but he stopped returning my calls after I introduced him to my new partner a couple of weeks ago. What should I do?

Linda answers:

First of all, it’s really important not to let a custody dispute like this go on because it could set a precedent that might be hard to reverse. It sounds like your ex is doing something called triangulation –that is, using your son as a wedge between you and her, and making him feel that he has to choose between the two of you. He may think that by returning your calls he’d be betraying her and even possibly lose her love. But I also suspect he’s crying out for you to make a bold move and break the stalemate.

Even though your son is young he should have many choices. However, whether or not he sees you, his parent, is not one of his choices. I would suggest that you show up at his school on a regular basis to pick him up, which joint custody gives you the right to do. You could email him and arrange to meet three days a week. Regardless of his reaction or behavior (he may lash out or freeze you out), be there to love him, to be a role model, and to give him a sense of consistency, which will make him feel safe and comfortable.

It seems like you’ve been trying to avoid going the legal route with your ex, which is understandable. But if she continues to refuse to let you see your son, contact the court so they can advise you on the process for initiating legal proceedings against her. The family court system offers free legal counsel and is there to help you through the whole process. It may seem scary, but it won’t necessarily be a prolonged fight. They generally put you in a room with you ex and try to mediate a solution rather than taking your case before a judge.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LINDA? Sent it to info [at] singlewith.com, and put ASK LINDA in the subject heading. She may use your question for an upcoming post!

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Photo by Marcel Strauß on Unsplash

Advice Divorce Inspiration Life Parenting Soul

Will I Ever Get the Hang of this “Dad” Thing?

Earlier this year, I got to enjoy one of those great moments parents have – the first day my daughter was able to ride a bike on her own. Yes, we took the training wheels off. And we both learned something in the process. After a relentlessly cold and gray winter, we had a beautiful day (finally), so the evening presented us an opportunity to break out the bikes. I wasn’t sure my 6-year-old, Lulu, would be ready to try without the training wheels, especially since her chances to ride have been few and far between over her brief life, but I had a hunch. And she did it. We experienced all of the usual stuff: the holding on, the fear, the negotiating, the letting go, the trust (both ways), the laughter. And the beautiful moment when I got to let her go on her own and watch.

Coparenting kismet: A chance to share our child’s milestone

There were a couple of surprises, though. As luck would have it, my ex got to see the moment, because it came at exchange time. That was nice. She also was able to catch the moment on video with her phone. Great again. But there was a twist in that as this was going on, my eldest daughter, Elizabeth, 10, was, as she usually is of late, buried in her iPad, and not showing much interest in what was going on. We all kept urging her to watch but she did it only in spurts. Two-second spurts. Quick glances up from Minecraft. So in the definitive video of Lulu leaving my hold, taking off on her own, and biking up the driveway, you can hear me say, or maybe shout, “Elizabeth!”

A great moment, missed: Is my parenting to blame?

I didn’t think much of it the time but when I watched the video I realized all of the colors and tone in my voice when I said that one word. It was part excitement, and part attention-grabbing: “Look up! This is it – finally.” But it was also part admonishment: “Come on, you’re missing it. Pay attention.” Part joy and part disappointment. And later I was disappointed with myself. Was there too much anger and frustration in my tone? Why? Am I a bad parent? How have I let it come to this that my daughter is so addicted to her iPad that she can’t focus on a wonderful moment like this? What other parent/child/sibling dynamics are going on here? Such is life and such is parenting. It remains the most challenging, beautiful, frustrating and special thing I do. So I want to know, when will I be able to take the training wheels off?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kimball Crossley is a professional baseball scout, a high school basketball coach, and a father to two young girls. He also the author of a children’s picture book, When I Am With Dad, which has a shared-custody theme. When I Am With Dad will be published Spring 2016. (Available for preorder now, let’s support a positive single-dad story! More preorders=more promotion by bookstores.) From the publisher: “Elizabeth is a girl who likes things just so. When she spends the day with Dad, sometimes things are a little bit different. She and her little sister, Lulu, take us through a day with Dad; and while everything may not be to Elizabeth’s taste, it’s about being with the person who loves you more than anything in the world. Learning to accept each other’s differences is all part of being in a family!”

A version of this post appeared previously on Kimball’s blog, When I Am With Dad.

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Advice Divorce Inspiration Parenting Soul

My Kid’s With My Ex for the Summer. Is That OK With Me?

Weeks beforehand, I started marking X’s on the calendar each day we got closer to the big date. Knots tightened in my stomach. I paced the living room floor rehearsing my send-off speech. But the weekends, oh, the weekends, I relished. My son and I squeezed in every conceivable mother/child activity… movie nights, pajama parties, arts and crafts, cooking classes, breakfast for dinner, sand-castle building and sports of all kinds. My phone captured so much proof we could relive those moments whenever we wanted to.

Then the big date arrived. I remember triple-checking the bags I had packed. I paced some more and kept peeking through the blinds. I thought, maybe I won’t see his car outside or that my phone wouldn’t ring. Or that he’d forget. Or maybe his flight was delayed.

But he showed up. And I could see him wipe the sweat from his brow as he pulled into the driveway.

Trying hard not to lose it

In the weeks before saying goodbye, I went on a selfie spree, documenting everything we did together. — In the weeks before saying goodbye, I went on a selfie spree, documenting everything we did.

My son and I went outside to greet him.

I tried really hard not to cry. But, one by one, the tears came. Then, in a flash, it seemed like there were 10,000 of them. Some drying and sticking to my face, others rolling down to my T-shirt.

And I stood powerless, knowing there was nothing I could do. My ex and I have shared custody. It’s been decided by a judge; recorded in legal documents. I felt the warmth of my son’s hand leave mine. And through the fog in my eyes, I watched his father buckle him in his car seat, counting the clicks and clacks in my head.

I was fully prepared for my son to have a mega meltdown. Or cry, even a little bit, but (maybe, thankfully) none of that happened. He was excited to be going with his dad for the summer.

His father and I stoically stood outside of his car, barely making eye contact. We both know the drill. Then I went over my checklist.

“You have the health insurance cards, and copies of his prescriptions?” I said. “And don’t forget, he’s wearing a size 12 shoe now.” Almost without taking another breath, I continued on, “And for clothes, the 4T’s are getting smaller on his stomach but the pants still fit. He’s not allergic to anything, but use that organic sunscreen I put in his bag. Oh and at night, he has to go to bed at 8 and he likes to have a small light on in the bathroom. And…”

Annoyed, he finally cut me off.

“I got it.”

With that, my entire body deflated. I thought, “Gosh, I’m a control freak. Certified word vomiter. But really, a three-word response?! Did he hear me at all? Ugh, he really doesn’t get it, like I do.”

Learning to let go

Raina's son — One of my favorite photos of my son.

Suddenly, I remembered how hard this is for my ex, too. When we were together, we worried about the same things for our son. We wanted the best for him at all times. We both wanted to be at the school recitals and doctor visits. And although we now live nearly 900 miles apart, we are both still parents, just on different schedules: Dad gets court-ordered summer placement, and I get everything else.

And now it was Dad’s time. I had to respect that, even though it’s the most agonizing, anxiety-ridden eight weeks for me.

Thanks to technology, my son and I stay in contact regularly. We send pictures back and forth. His dad sends pictures of their outings and of our son just doing kid stuff.

As coparents, exes, whatever, we don’t always have our act together, but we’re trying to move on. We’ve mourned the loss of the relationship, the people we were and the life we thought we’d share. Now, we just focus on raising a happy, healthy, kind-spirited little boy.

Finding the upside

Usually, the first 40 hours after my son leaves are the worst. I can’t sleep, I don’t clean up the toys he leaves out. I barely cook, because I can’t cook for one. And I don’t know what to do with all the free time I have and end up binge-watching TV and eating Pringles and ice cream sandwiches.

After those initial days of loneliness a bit of my anxiety subsides. I begin to plan what I am going to do. And that’s when things start to get fun. I began to focus on myself and my goals. I do a lot of running. I read books. I work on my writing. I don’t rush home after work. I stay up late on weeknights and I sleep in on weekends. I sip my coffee more slowly in the morning. I eat dessert before dinner. I drink wine with my girlfriends. I go on real dates, not just playdates at the park. I pee in peace – no shouting from the other side of the door. Oh, and I take bubble baths! Bubble baths. With candles. Those are the fulfilling moments I enjoy for a sweet, sweet eight weeks every summer.

Coparenting in any situation is tough. But I always try to look at the bright side. For a few weeks of out of the year, my son creates lasting, lifelong memories with his dad. And to this single mom, that’s priceless.

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Advice Divorce Parenting

How to Cope When a Coparent Moves Far Away

What can you do to help your child maintain the connection?

When my son’s father moved from Montreal, Canada to the U.S. Midwest, our weekly visitation arrangements wouldn’t work—dad was now two plane rides away. Having to take care of my son full-time meant that I had to make changes to my life—no more free time every second weekend and no backup plan if I couldn’t pick him up from daycare. Along with all the changes to my life, I was concerned about how my 4-year-old son was going to maintain a long-distance relationship with his dad when he couldn’t even dial his phone number.

Fortunately, my ex and I agreed that our son was the priority and we had to find ways to help him adjust to Dad not being there anymore. Over the years, through trial and error we came up with a number of ways that both long-distance and full-time parents can try to help keep the parent-child connection alive and well.

For the younger child:

Put favorite moments on display

Place a framed photo of the child and long-distance parent in the child’s room as a reminder of a happy moment like a visit to the zoo or making pancakes together. Be sure to update the photo as time goes by. Make a photo collage or keep a small album of photos for the child to browse before bedtime. Get photo mugs for both and use it to have milk and cookies “together.”

Keep the cards and care packages coming

Send cards—real paper snail-mail type cards—to mark special occasions. Buy and write them ahead of time for easy mailing when the time comes. Send birthday gifts and plan for them to arrive on time as much as possible. Send special just-because-I-love-you gifts or cards on a monthly basis. A magazine subscription that arrives once a month can also trigger “Dad is thinking of me” thoughts. Use a recordable storybook (I’m Not Afraid of Anything! is one good title) to record yourself reading a story and send it to the child so you can be part of the book-before-bedtime routine.

Be smart about phone and video calls

Although phone calls seem like an obvious way to stay in touch, the reality is little kids don’t like talking on the phone much. It’s just not a kid thing to do. I realized this soon enough as I watched my son squirm and stretch while on the phone with dad more than a few minutes. The anticipated phone call would create tension as I reminded him it wasn’t polite not to want to talk to his dad. Sometimes he would even ask me to make up a reason why he couldn’t talk on the phone. This prompted me to shift from making it his duty to helping him find ideas of what they could talk about ahead of time like a project he worked on at school or how many goals he scored in soccer.

Video chatting through Skype or FaceTime bridges the long-distance gap like few other modes of communication. Seeing the parent makes it more real for the child but doesn’t magically increase a child’s attention span. Playing a game like hangman makes the conversation more interactive and keeps the child’s eyes on the screen longer.

Instead of random calls, choose one night a week so you have enough new things to talk about. Make it before bedtime and replace the night routine with the phone call so bedtime is not delayed.

For the older child:

As the child becomes a tween and teen, he should take on more of an active role in maintaining the relationship. When my son turned 12, the responsibility to keep up with Dad shifted away from me to him. It also gave my son added ammunition to convince me of the reasons I needed to buy him a cell phone.

Make sure your child can communicate his way

E-communication like sending emails or text messages facilitated the father-son connection but I learned soon enough that not all modes of communication are equal in a teenager’s eye. When I asked my son if he’d sent email messages to his dad, he said emails take too long. Just like young kids don’t do phone calls, teenagers don’t do emails. Text messages are quicker and more convenient for the teenagers—just make sure to get a messaging plan, especially if the parent doesn’t live in the same country.

Create a regular schedule that works for everyone

When my son went from crack-of-dawn cartoon addict to sleep-deprived teenager, the 10 am video calls didn’t work so well. And when his father relocated from the U.S. to Dubai, we had to deal with an eight-hour time difference and a working week from Sunday to Thursday. The only day father and son could communicate outside of school and work was Saturday—teenager-sleep-fest day. Scheduling is a must even if when you’re not dealing with time change or different work schedules because it reduces missed calls and disappointments. Making it part of the schedule helps make it more routine just like soccer practice or guitar lessons.

While some parents relocate temporarily or don’t live thousands of miles away, my son’s father ended up living away permanently and so wasn’t there for most of his growing years. It wasn’t always easy to manage but the long-distance connection plan helped him feel closer to his dad. Thanks to my efforts and those of my ex, we created bonding moments and memories that my son holds dear, like the video call when his dad surprised him with a candle-lit birthday cake. My son listened to his father sing and watched him blow out the candles. That personal touch and sense of connection meant more to him than being able to actually eat the cake.

Photo by Nuno Antunes on Unsplash

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Advice Ask Linda Loss

How Do I Explain to my Son that his Mom Abandoned Him?

ASK LINDA, PSYCHOTHERAPIST, SINGLE MOM:

My partner Jane and I planned to have a baby together, and she carried our son, who is her biological child. When James was 9 months old, Jane – who never really took to being a mom – told me she couldn’t deal with parenting anymore and she abandoned us. I think she may have been suffering from depression. James is now 17 months and I’m the only mom he can remember. It seems pretty clear Jane is not coming back, at least not anytime soon. How should I talk about this with my son as he grows up?

Linda answers:

First, please know that although it’s more common for fathers to leave their children, mothers do it, too. This choice – child abandonment – is about the individual parent and their mental health and coping skills, not about you or, of course, your child. There are many single dads out there who have been left to bring up their kids, who have the same questions your son will likely have.

It is very important that your child hears a cohesive, consistent, and honest story from the beginning. Secrets and lies can be very damaging. Don’t wait to have a big conversation in grade school – incorporate parts of the true story from the beginning. This means that you, your family and friends need to be on the same wavelength, because he will ask everyone as he grows older.

Reassure him: ‘I will never, ever, ever leave’

It might go something like this, and will evolve in stages as your son gets older and asks more questions: “Both of your mommies wanted you very, very much. When you where born Mommy Jane didn’t feel well. She went away to get better. She didn’t explain why she needed to go away, so Mommy Emma doesn’t really understand it. All I know for sure is that I will never, ever, ever leave you for any reason. However, I do know that Mommy Jane loved you. For some people, it is really hard to be part of a family. Yes, it also makes me sad and I also miss her. Let me show you this story book that I made of us before you were born and tell you some of my favorite stories about her.”

You may feel very hurt by and angry about Jane’s actions, and understandably so, but it’s important, as in any parental breakup, to keep the child’s needs in mind. In this case, even though James may not remember Jane, she did provide 50 percent of his DNA and she was a presence in his early life. It may be tempting to downplay her role in order to protect him, but Jane was not an egg donor or a surrogate. She had planned to be and was a mother, and then she abandoned that role. That’s not a truth you’ll be able to hide forever. This was a loss for James and must be handled honestly. Also, if James learns negative things about Jane, since she is is biological mother, he may feel that part of him is “bad.” So that’s why it’s crucial that he hear positive stories about Mommy Jane.

Help him feel a positive connection to that side of his family

It’s also important that he have contact with Jane’s relatives, if they agree to it. Sometimes in these cases, the extended family will distance themselves from the child, out of embarrassment or denial. If that happens, make it clear to them that the door is always open, by sending holiday cards or emailing photos periodically.

As your son gets older he may ask if Mommy Jane is going to come back. You might think about answering something like the following, “I really don’t know, but if she does ever come back that will be something we all can work on together.”

He may very well want to search for Mommy Jane when he is older. If he does, help him set expectations of both the positive and negative situations which might arise. Help him find support groups that help children who are searching for missing parents and attend with him. Empathize and join him in his journey as much as you can. Help him see the part of him that is his Mommy Jane, by consciously mirroring her positive behaviors and characteristics and sharing as much of her story and history as possible with him.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LINDA? Sent it to info [at] singlewith.com, and put ASK LINDA in the subject heading. She may use your question for an upcoming post!

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child abandonment

Advice Ask Linda Divorce Parenting

My Kid Doesn’t Want to Spend the Night at My House!

ASK LINDA, PSYCHOTHERAPIST, SINGLE MOM:

After I split with my son’s mother two years ago, we “theoretically” agreed to co-parenting. However, my son, who is now nine years old, hasn’t wanted to spend the night at my house. This has been going on for approximately two years. I have just changed my job to one that requires less business travel, and I want complete co-custody of my son. But how do I deal with his wanting to stay with his mom?

Linda answers:

This is a wonderful opportunity for you to learn more about your son. When you and your partner first separated and your child did not want to spend the night at your house, why did he not want to do so? Why didn’t you insist? Perhaps it was easier at the time to not deal with tantrums or your child being upset, so you let it slip? Over the past two years staying at Mom’s house has become ingrained, a habit. His resistance is probably not about you. I imagine it has something to do with your son feeling protective towards his mother.

Try asking him some questions. “Son, why don’t you want to spend the night with Daddy?” He might answer, “Mom needs me, she is afraid to be alone and I don’t want Mommy to be afraid.” A common parental response might be, “Oh honey, don’t worry, Mommy’s gonna be all right.” You might think this is a good answer. However, it misses the point: Your son needs his emotions to be acknowledged, not dismissed.

So let’s try it again: “Son, so if Mommy and I understand, you want to make sure that Mommy is not scared to be alone when you’re not with her, is that right? Mommy what can we do to make sure you’re not scared when ‘son’ is with Daddy?” A telephone call? A Skype or FaceTime session?” This answer reflects his fear and helps him master it with action.

Please try to explore and understand your child’s thoughts and emotions. Help him name them, understand them and accept them.

Ideally, you and your coparent would sit down and agree to a new coparenting schedule. You would then all sit together and lay out the new schedule. Think about offering your child choices, perhaps which night or how the split of the week might work. However, the choice of whether or not he will stay with the other parent is not one of them! There is a balance between giving your child choices and allowing them to make decisions that are not theirs to make.

If your child is absolutely opposed to trying the new schedule, I would suggest a short course of professional work to help you and your child navigate this rough patch.

HAVE A QUESTION FOR LINDA? Sent it to info [at] singlewith.com, and put ASK LINDA in the subject heading. She may use your question for an upcoming post!

DID YOU LIKE THIS POST? Please go to the Singlewith Home Page for much more, and sign up for our weekly newsletter in the box (above, right)! You’ll get great new essays, advice and ideas by and for single parents, coming to your email inbox. Also, register for our Singlewith Forums, to become part of our community and start connecting and getting support from fellow single moms and dads. Like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter (@singlewith) and Instagram (singlewithphotos). In short, JOIN US!

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Advice Divorce Parenting

Flying Solo: Should Your Kid Get On a Plane to See Your Ex?

I took my son’s passport, slid it into a plastic pouch and slung it around his neck. We were at the airport check-in and I felt like the worst mother in the world. What I really wanted to do was take a marker and write my name and phone number on his forehead.

In a few minutes, I would watch my 10-year-old walk off. This day, the one I dreaded for so many years, had arrived and I was determined not to cry.

I am the mom of an unaccompanied minor – a kid with more stamps in his passport than are in mine. The travelling came as a result of his father relocating from our home in Montreal, Canada to the Midwestern U.S. soon after our separation. Long-distance relocation and coparenting meant two long visits to his dad, one in the summer and another at Christmas. But I balked at the notion of putting my son alone on a plane.

Anthony was only four at the time. I researched airline policies regarding UMs (airline lingo for unaccompanied minors), and I discovered children under five are not allowed to travel alone. Which was great, because as far as I was concerned, the only place my son went unaccompanied was the bathroom and I wanted to keep it that way.

In the beginning, his father would pick him up and drop him off in the same way he had for his weekend visits before he moved away. The only difference was they would take two planes and return five weeks later in the summer and a week later at Christmas. By the time he was eight, Anthony had accumulated enough miles for a free trip and qualified as a frequent flier. He also met the airline’s age requirement for UMs on connecting flights. His father thought he was ready to fly alone. Guess who disagreed?

The questions consumed me as I tried to imagine his first flight alone. This flight involved a stopover and a change of aircraft. An onslaught of ‘what-ifs’ poured into my head. What if he got scared? What if a stranger approached him? What if he got lost? If airlines could lose luggage, could they lose track of a child?

When I called the airline to inquire about my son’s itinerary, the agent explained their policy and answered all of my questions. Finally, I asked the one question that was nagging me: “Would you let your child travel alone?” She replied with split-second clarity, “Not me.” I realized my issue wasn’t about understanding their policy and knowing that UM travel was not uncommon. It was simpler. I just wasn’t ready.

The reality was that Anthony was familiar with security checks, customs line-ups and other procedures that come with travelling by plane. But when I broached the subject with him over breakfast one day, his face turned as white as the milk in his cereal bowl. He said, “Mom, there’s a plane in my heart and it goes back and forth, back and forth and I don’t know how to get off.” My heart ached for him and for me as I realized there was something else going on. As much as I tried to avoid it, I knew his father had been dropping hints about him moving there. Anthony was torn and there was no way I was going to add unaccompanied travel to his plate.

A few years later, his father approached me again about the idea of Anthony travelling as a UM. He had just turned 10. Was he ready to go alone now? Was I ready? I remembered the first time he wanted to go to the corner store with his friends. From the feeling in the pit of my stomach, he might as well have asked to take the car. This time when I asked him about flying alone, he said he was ready. He also said he needed a new video game to keep him occupied during the flight.

To avoid any issues with flight cancellations or delays during the stopover, his father agreed to meet him in Dallas, the connecting city. After I filled in the necessary forms at the check-in, he practised reciting our address and phone number backwards, forwards and in three languages. I had hoped to take him to the gate but it was against security regulations. I pleaded with the agent to make an exception until I heard, “Mom, I can do it. Let me go.” For just an instant, I caught a glimpse of the young man he would be one day. I hugged him and watched until he and the agent disappeared past the security gate.

After that, I finally found some peace with the idea of Anthony flying solo until his father announced he was relocating – to Dubai, two flights and 24 hours away. Anthony did not visit his father that Christmas. It was just too far to travel without a grownup. Dubai was not only on another continent, it was a foreign country and I needed time to prepare him and myself for this trip.

But a year later, there we were at the airport check-in, waiting for Anthony to take off for Dubai, via Atlanta. I was listening to a woman grill the agent about UM procedure and quizzing her daughter on what to answer if a stranger approached her. I felt an instant bond with this mother as we watched our children walk away together. When she discovered Anthony was connecting to Dubai, she asked if I was on Valium. I felt myself smile at her comment. I was thankful for meeting her because in that moment, I knew I had come a long way. I was proud of myself for not feeling so vulnerable anymore.

I wish I could say I found a way to separate the love in my heart from the fear in my head. I haven’t. I still worry when he travels. But I’ve learned that growth can happen for both of us when we’re asked – or forced – to step outside our comfort zones.

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Advice Parenting

My Wife Got Primary Custody. How Do I Explain My Absence to My Son?

ASK LINDA, PSYCHOTHERAPIST, SINGLE MOM:

My ex-wife was awarded primary custody of our 6-year-old son, over my strong objections. I wanted 50/50. Now I’ll suddenly only see him on weekends. We have a very close relationship and I am furious about the situation, my ex’s behavior and the judge’s decision. My son’s going to wonder why I don’t want to see him much anymore. How can I talk to him about this without getting into all the bitterness and anger of the custody dispute, or making him mad at his mom? I don’t want him to think that I don’t want to be with him!

Linda answers:

First of all, I’m sorry that you are in this situation. It must be very difficult for you to not be able to see your son first of all on a daily basis and secondly only on the weekend.

The ideal resolution for this situation would be for you and your ex to sit down and agree how to discuss this with your son. If you had trouble doing that on your own, I would suggest reaching out to a professional therapist in order to mediate the situation.

Again, ideally you would want to agree and discuss boundaries about visitation and how you would jointly communicate this to your son.

If your ex-wife will not agree to discuss this with you, you can only control your side of the equation. Calmly outline to your son that you love him and Mommy loves him. In the discussion with him, make it clear whatever the judge has declared. Also, make it clear to him that you cannot change the situation because the judge has made a legal decision. Although the boundaries may be clear to you, he may be very confused. Always remember that boundaries mean safety for children. Let him know about his space in your home. Involve him in making it his place. Begin new traditions together in your new home. Think about today and and not the past. You can make this an exciting new adventure for both of you!

Also think about setting up regular times to Skype or FaceTime with him during the week in order to keep consistent contact. You can watch movies together, play games, chat,do homework, or even just be in the same room through technology, so that you can maintain consistency in one another’s days.

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Advice Dating Divorce Parenting

I’m a happy single dad. Why bother getting married again?

I often am asked whether or not I would consider getting married again. For a long time, my response was something like, “I’d love to. But to be honest, I think I’m going to do a George Clooney it and be a bachelor forever.” But Clooney got married, so I replaced him with someone else who’s made a career of being a single guy — Derek Jeter. Then he got engaged to model Hannah Davis, something more unlikely than the Yankees captain being honored by the Boston Red Sox, archrivals beat the Yankees in the 2004 World Series, when he played his final game in Fenway Park and retired his jersey.

My heroes are failing me…

Actually, it’s quite endearing. Men who once had committed themselves to not being committed seemed to have found someone who complements them so well that they want to finally settle down. For the most part, that’s what everyone wants. It’s what I want.

Been there, done that

However, I think about the many conversations I’ve had with my single friends who are tired of dating and think happiness is finding someone they’ll fall in love with forever. But having the traveled the road from great first date to saying “till death do us part,” I find myself putting them on game on how this life partner deal really works — the overwhelming odds are that they are going to get on your every last nerve.

They will try your patience in ways that will surely make you do things you swore you would never do andpromised them you wouldn’t do back when you were dating. You will consider — and probably carry out —acts that your partner once said were deal-breakers because you know they actually won’t be. You will dread knowing everything they are going to say before they open their mouth. But they are still your best friend and you love them more than anyone else on the planet.

“But I don’t want to compromise!”

I can’t lie, I actually miss that. However, just thinking about all that comes along with it makes me more than a little wary to want to settle down again.

Perhaps my biggest phobia about commitment is the idea of co-parenting. I have been a single father for almost five years and I know almost nothing about sharing parenting responsibilities. Even while Cydney’s mother was alive, I stayed up all night, cleaned the bottles, and did most of the work. She passed away when my little girl was only nine months old. For better or worse, all I know is being a single parent. There is a good chance that part of my wanting to play the field for the rest of my life and have relationships that don’t last forever is because I am not used to accomodating someone else’s parenting ideologies and compromising on things like what school my child goes to and a million other things. It has never been a part of my or my daughter’s lifestyle.

The pressure’s on

But Cydney wants me to have a serious girlfriend and get married. She wants a stepmother and siblings. In fact, she says I need to do all of this by next week. As stressful and draining as it can be sometimes, I love being my daughter’s everything. Maybe this is the one part of my life where I want to and feel like I am justified for being a little selfish. But I guess if George Clooney and Derek Jeter can find people worth committing to forever then maybe I can do the same.

In the meantime, I still have Jamie Foxx.

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Inspiration Life

My First Holiday Without the Kids

Forget the pity party! Instead, I hit the beach.

This past Christmas accentuated one of the many complications of divorce — sharing children. My ex and I both wanted our kids. The ex’s celebration offered a ski house in Park City filled with grandparents, uncles, aunts and close cousins. Mine, in cold but snow-free Richmond, Virginia, had none of the above. Utah won.

Socially, my first holiday solo looked bleak: My parents had passed away, and I had no date for parties. With kids 2,000 miles away and a brother visiting his fiancée’s parents in Boston, I faced celebrating Jesus’ birthday with only my dog and incontinent cat for company. A pity party loomed.

Divorced almost two years, I still struggled with the intensified demands that came with being a single mom — the full-time job, two kids with busy after-school schedules, needy pets, a historic house with old pipes, no time for myself, bills, bills, bills. And I’d never been on my own, with or without kids. My marriage began the week after I graduated from college. I traded three roommates for a husband. Now over 40, I was challenged by obstacles that many women face earlier: how to balance a checkbook (use checks with carbons), change air filters (this should happen every month — who knew?) and mow my lawn (hire someone). But beyond these basic life management skills, I still hadn’t figured out my identity as a single person. And now I was looking at the specter of an incredibly depressing Christmas.

So instead of the pity party, I used the money that should’ve gone toward bathroom plumbing to hire a pet sitter and book a trip to Tulum. Water and sunshine always rejuvenate me, and this resort touted an all-inclusive fitness program and healthy meals. It was the opposite of a traditional Christmas with snowy pines, fireside carols and a five-course holiday dinner, but why not?

The white-sand beach at Tulum proved close to paradise with clear water such a perfect shade of blue that it blended into sky. I’m used to the dark, drab Atlantic where you’re glad you can’t see your feet for all the sea debris brushing past your bare legs.

As promised, I delighted in platters of fresh fruit, vegetables, grilled fish and granola-sprinkled yogurt. Pre-selected meals meant my only decision each day was how many exercise sessions to attend. Ongoing classes began with an early morning beach walk and ended after sundown with either yoga or meditation. I sampled everything and fell for kickboxing, salsa dancing and circuit boot camp.

I fondly remember my Latino salsa teacher who crooned that I had sexy moves (he said this to everyone, but I still drank it in) and my kickboxing instructor who complimented my POWER when I punched the pad in his hand. In between workouts, I swam in the warm, turquoise ocean and napped in hammocks hung between palms.

I created my own mini-version of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, where after a divorce, the author travels to find herself through good food, exercise and soul-searching. My respite lasted only a week, not the almost-year Gilbert spent circumventing the globe. Yet a legitimate transformation occurred. My worries lifted. I felt empowered, grounded and more energized. I learned a lesson; I didn’t need anyone else to make my music.

I wanted to be with my kids and family in Utah (after 20 years of marriage, I will always think of my in-laws as family), but I proved that I could turn around a glum situation to appreciate life and my own vitality. I still don’t know who I am on my own — that journey lies ahead — but Tulum gave me a jump-start.

I returned to Richmond with a calmness I thought disappeared forever with adulthood. A simple Google search later, I found salsa dancing, kickboxing and boot camp classes all over our city. Committed to a burgeoning healthy relationship with myself, I signed up. These things were in my backyard all along. Sometimes you need to leave, if only briefly, to reconnect to self and home.

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